Reflection - Visions III

Standing in front of the mirror he took it all in. Looking at himself through the reflective glass he studied his features and his looks. Five minutes later he decided to look in his own eyes. They were the saddest pearls of brown he had ever seen. Probably because he understood them more than anyone ever would.

Thoughts were blowing through his head as he picked up the razor and lathered his head in soap. There was no exact words to describe how he felt. Inside he felt numb, and stupid. There were no numbers he could think of to dial, no faces that came to his mind as he stood looking at himself - into those empty pools of brown nothing looked like it lived anymore. Even though he didn't care, thoughts of what people would think still fluttered by. A sad cold wave of realization rolled up his spine, no one did care.

As his dreams shattered, he could almost hear them breaking. A stranger in a strange land, he never did belong anywhere he went. Coming to this place did nothing to magically find his place. The feelings inside didn't go away. Everything was still the same. Ironically maybe they were worse now than they were before. No progress had been made.

"If your not first, then you're dead"...the words echoed through his head as he made the first stroke. The sink was screaming how water and the steam surrounded the room as if it was trying to escape from the air itself. "I bred you to be a winner"...the voice went on, "In this life all you have is yourself and if your not on top then your not anywhere"....

There were so many things he had to do and so many places he had to be...as he thought of himself and the responsibilities that others expected from him, it all started to pile up. He cleaned the blade under the water and just kept going....More and more voices found their way into his ears through the steam....

"I'm only trying to be there for you...why are you pushing me away"........"I can't be there for you, if you don't tell me, I don't know what you want"....."I'm sorry you had to hear about this in this way...can I hug you?".....

The piano music coming out of his laptop kept playing the same crescendo of notes over and over....how he loved that song and how he could write so much to it, no matter how he felt....

As he cleaned the razor for the third time, he felt his stomach go weak like its been doing for weeks now...."I'll just have some yogurt later"...he said to himself...how he wished for so many things...how there were so many things he wanted to do, and wanted to imagine for himself....

The pressure inside his head reached a point where he could almost hear his skull whistle...."I gave you the best years of my life so you could do what you want, the least you can do is succeed, this is how you repay me? If they can do it why can't you?"...

He closed his eyes and listened to the music and the water play together...."Its just tough love bro...you need to hear it...you're just making excuses...pull this shit together now...come on"....

He looked up into the mirror again..."What's my plan to get out of this?" he told himself...."Where do I go from here?"....the sink just kept on screaming....looking at it he wondered what she would say if she could speak...

"I think I've fucked things up big time"....he thought to himself as he took another stroke...by this time he just lost count like he had lost so many things....his eyes started to feel alive again...he blinked a couple of times and felt himself come out of the daze...inside the dark coals still glimmered, he felt them burn through his body waiting for him to realize they were there again....

He shook himself out of the daze again and tried to force the thoughts out his head...

He managed to let out just enough steam to keep that vault shut...once again.